Riley Lynn Peterson.

My son, my first, my beautiful boy.
The thought of you in my life brought me great joy.
The dreams of raising,playing and loving you I have had.
The indescribable excitement of being your dad.
And now upon the news you won't live.
Tears flow from my face and drop like a sieve.
Though I never met you. Comfort I still find,
For you live on in my heart soul and mind.
Now I look to the day when we shall meet.
To see you in perfection from your head to your feet.
I will love you forever that is my oath.
While I am on this earth, my heart beats for us both.
- Daniel Peterson
I can't believe its been two year since we lost Riley at 17 weeks. To be honest this year is a little better then last. Last year I just had Caitlynn and though it comforted me I still felt like I should of had a 6 month old and not a 1 month old. Don't get me wrong I love Caitlynn and I am so grateful I have her but it doesn't cover all the pain. I think the reason I feel the most pain today is because I feel like I didn't protect him. Me and Daniel decided we couldn't handle seeing him or holding him and to be honest I regret it. After I had him they just wrapped him in a towel and put him in a ice cream bucket thing. I feel bad about that. I feel like I shouldn't of let that happen. I should of saw him in real life and not just in pictures that the hospital took for me. I feel bad because they just threw him in the incinerator like he was trash. Which he wasn't he was my child! I know I can't do anything about it now. I just wish I did something back then. I don't know when a spirit enters the body but I believe it does as soon as the baby has a heart beat. How can a heart beat with out a spirit? How can babies move with out a spirit? So I truly believe Riley is up there waiting for me and Daniel. He is taking care of his sibling while they wait to come to this year. I could be wrong but I really feel in my heart that I am not. Daniel told me last night I shouldn't feel bad for never holding him because he knows I couldn't do it emotionally. He also said he thinks Riley understands and still loves us. I really hope that is true. Daniel had a dream a few weeks ago and he said he doesn't know if he was being weird or if it was a vision and he said he saw 5 beds and he thinks we will have 5 kids. I always thought 6 but then I realized we will have 6 kids but only 5 beds here on Earth because Riley won't need a bed here on Earth. I might be crazy too though. I am sorry this post is depressing and so was the last one. I promise I will try harder to look at the brighter things of life and not put sad posts.
Even though today is hard I am glad I have Caitlynn. I couldn't even imagine what today would be like if she wasn't here. I love her and I am grateful for her everyday. I think I better go and play with her while I have the chance since she is growing up so fast. I love Caitlynn Suzanne Peterson and Riley Lynn Peterson they are both my little angels!