Riley Lynn Peterson.

My son, my first, my beautiful boy.
The thought of you in my life brought me great joy.
The dreams of raising,playing and loving you I have had.
The indescribable excitement of being your dad.
And now upon the news you won't live.
Tears flow from my face and drop like a sieve.
Though I never met you. Comfort I still find,
For you live on in my heart soul and mind.
Now I look to the day when we shall meet.
To see you in perfection from your head to your feet.
I will love you forever that is my oath.
While I am on this earth, my heart beats for us both.
- Daniel Peterson
I can't believe its been two year since we lost Riley at 17 weeks. To be honest this year is a little better then last. Last year I just had Caitlynn and though it comforted me I still felt like I should of had a 6 month old and not a 1 month old. Don't get me wrong I love Caitlynn and I am so grateful I have her but it doesn't cover all the pain. I think the reason I feel the most pain today is because I feel like I didn't protect him. Me and Daniel decided we couldn't handle seeing him or holding him and to be honest I regret it. After I had him they just wrapped him in a towel and put him in a ice cream bucket thing. I feel bad about that. I feel like I shouldn't of let that happen. I should of saw him in real life and not just in pictures that the hospital took for me. I feel bad because they just threw him in the incinerator like he was trash. Which he wasn't he was my child! I know I can't do anything about it now. I just wish I did something back then. I don't know when a spirit enters the body but I believe it does as soon as the baby has a heart beat. How can a heart beat with out a spirit? How can babies move with out a spirit? So I truly believe Riley is up there waiting for me and Daniel. He is taking care of his sibling while they wait to come to this year. I could be wrong but I really feel in my heart that I am not. Daniel told me last night I shouldn't feel bad for never holding him because he knows I couldn't do it emotionally. He also said he thinks Riley understands and still loves us. I really hope that is true. Daniel had a dream a few weeks ago and he said he doesn't know if he was being weird or if it was a vision and he said he saw 5 beds and he thinks we will have 5 kids. I always thought 6 but then I realized we will have 6 kids but only 5 beds here on Earth because Riley won't need a bed here on Earth. I might be crazy too though. I am sorry this post is depressing and so was the last one. I promise I will try harder to look at the brighter things of life and not put sad posts.
Even though today is hard I am glad I have Caitlynn. I couldn't even imagine what today would be like if she wasn't here. I love her and I am grateful for her everyday. I think I better go and play with her while I have the chance since she is growing up so fast. I love Caitlynn Suzanne Peterson and Riley Lynn Peterson they are both my little angels!

Have To Let It Out Sometimes!

I am EXTREMELY stressed! I don't understand an assignment that is due TODAY, I have to clean this mess that we live in, I have to make pie for tomorrow, take care of Caitlynn and try to stay sain! I feel like most of the time I have to do it all by myself. Don't get me wrong Daniel is great but he works all day (which gives us a little money so that's fine) and when he comes home he does his school work for the rest of the night! Which is fine I know its important but he never helps me around the house he barley helps with Caitlynn. And I know he tries his best but I am just stressed and feel like I'm just digging myself a deeper and deeper hole. Does that make sense? At this point I don't know why I'm going to school. It just adds more stress I doubt I will ever use my skills because it seems like no one wants me to take their pictures. I don't think my pictures are all that good to begin with! UGH! I hate stress! I know this sounds bad but I'm going to the doctor in about a week and I think I'm going to ask her to give me medicine to help me not be so stressed and not freaking out all the time! Is that bad of me? I feel kind of bad even saying that. I don't want to become someone that has to depend on medicine I just don't know what to do anymore. Oh man! Sorry once again I just need to get these things out! So just ignore my whining and raving. I'll try to be better tomorrow!

I am EXTREMELY blessed!

I am sorry I haven't kept up with the whole thankful thing. Things have just been crazy with me going to school and taking care of Caitlynn. I'm not sure if I am going to finish out the rest of the month. But I just wanted to say I am thankful for all the blessing I receive every day. I am thankful that prayers are answered and that our Heavenly Father does listen to us. I am thankful for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and everything it offers and teaches me. I am extremely thankful for Daniel and Caitlynn. They are what life is all about. I am thankful I get to spend every day with my wonderful daughter. I am thankful for everyone in my family and the things they do for me and my family. I am also thankful for the few friends I do have. Things sometimes can be hard but I know that I can get through anything with everything I have. I hope I have learn to be thankful all year long and not just in November cause I have many things to be thankful for.

Thankful Day 14 & 15

Instead of saying what I'm thankful for I thought I would share these two videos that touched my heart!

Thankful Day 13

Today I'm thankful that I have a kid that still takes nap during the day. Sure its usually only one nap two if I'm lucky but I'm OK with that. Sometimes I use the nap time to clean or work out since its hard to do both when shes up. But sometimes I'm bad and I use it to take a nap myself. Which I think I'm going to do today since I didn't get a lot of sleep. I know one day I won't be able to get to take naps especially since Caitlynn is getting older (even though I don't want to admit it)so why not take advantage of it while I can. I know today was a short post but I'm tired so nap here I come :D

Thankful Day 12

I'm thankful for nature. I love all the beautiful things of the Earth. I really don't have a favorite season cause there are wonderful things out of all of them. I love the rain and the flowers in the spring the green grass in the summer the beautiful leafs in the fall and the snow in the winter. I think its amazing the things the Lord has made for us. I love them all. Nature is just beautiful and I'm very thankful for all of it.

Thankful Day 11

Today I'm thankful for the men and women who have died for our country to keep us all safe. I'm also thankful for the ones that serve today. I have a few in my own family that have been in wars and are now gone (not cause of the war). For example Pa (great grandpa) he died when I was 5 years old but hes still was one of the greatest men I knew. I have great memories with him and I wouldn't change them for the world. I know he served in a war but I'm not sure which one. Either way I'm glad he did. He is my guardian angel and always will be. I'm extremely thankful for the men and women that are protecting us right now. A lot of people think this war thing is stupid. I don't I know that its what is keeping us safe and free. I have people in my family that are currently serving and though I'm thankful for all of them I'm most thankful for Daryl. I think that's because hes the closest one to my heart. I miss him and his family everyday but I know what he is doing is extremely important. Thank you Daryl. I am also thankful for people that don't get much recognition and that is the spouses and kids of people in the military. That has to be very hard sometimes and its something I could never do. So I'm thankful for them that support our soldiers.
I hope you all are also thankful for the things that we have because its the people in the military that has helped all those things happen.

Thankful Day 10.

I got into the Art Institute!Im way excited, but I didnt get enough student loans or grant money so I can only go part time if I dont want to pay any money out of pocket. I can change to a different plan so if things change I can do that. Plus its probably going to be easier taking one class at a time so I can still have my main focus on Caitlynn cause she whats most important.
Today Im very thankful for technology. That might be a silly thing to be thankful for but I am. I love that I can go to school all on the computer and still get to be home with Caitlynn, Im thankful that if I dont want to call and talk to someone I can text them (I dont like talking on the phone lol) Im thankful that even though Daryl and Ali are clear across the world we can still see them from time to time and many other cool things. I think technology is amazing and Im sure its just going to keep changing. Im not sure if I like that though lol. Im scared robots are going to take over the world or something. I would like it if technology stayed the way it was right now. I know thats not going to happen but hey maybe in the future there will be something that will be awesome!! Im not sure if I made any sense there. Oh well till next time. Remember count your blessings! :D

Thankful Day 7-9

Sorry I missed some days I was trying to spend time with Daniel on his two days in a row off. He doesnt get two days off in a row very often and it was nice to spend that time with him and Caitlynn. So before I get in started being thankful Im going to tell you about my new adventure. Yes I registered to go to The Art Institute of Pittsburgh. No we are not moving. Yes there is an Art Institute in Salt Lake but Pittsburgh is the only division that all the classes are online. So I still get to be home with my wonderful daughter. Im going there to get my bachelors in photography. Its pretty cool. Im way excited. It will take 4 years to get it but thats ok. I feel good about my choice and I feel like Im doing what I should be. But at the same time I feel like I screwed us over in the future cause now we will have my student loans and Daniels but we will figure it out. Im just waiting to see if I get accepted into the program. I just got an email saying I got a pell grant for 4400 dollars! That will help me get the equipment I need. AH im so happy!! Lets hope I get in.
Ok now things Im thankful for. Today isnt going to be about things its going to be about whom. Today Im very thankful for 3 woman that mean the most to me besides Daniel and Caitlynn. My mom, grandma and grams (my great grandma). I love these woman more then anything. They are my heroes and the people I look up to the most.
My mom is wonderful. Shes been through so much and still is but she just keeps going. She is so strong. She is caring and tries to take care of everyone. She worries more about other people more then she worries about herself. She is so much fun to be around and I love spending time with her. I love my mommy with all my heart and always will.
My grandma is the most amazing person I know. I love her more then words and describe. Shes always been there for me. I was with her most of the time growing up and she always took good care of me. Now I wish I could do the same for her. Right now shes working two jobs every day and I never get to see her which makes me sad. I miss her a lot and I wish she didnt have to work that hard. I dont know how to describe it but being around my grandma just gives me a sense of peace. Im not sure what I will ever do without her and I dont want to know. I told her that she cant die until after Jesus comes cause I cant stand losing her. I really dont have words to describe her. She is just all around amazing.
Grams oh man! There is a lot to say about her. She is always making me giggle. I love her. All growing up not once did she miss a performance or something to that sorts. And she has all the programs to prove it too (shes kind of a pack rat). Grams usually is driving me crazy and Im sure I drive her crazy too but I still love her. Shes a hard worker and always there for you no matter when. Like I said shes always making me laugh with something shes doing. Like once she asked me if a digital camera was out of film ha ha oh my gosh it still makes me laugh. I like to call her the crazy old lady. As the years pass I realize she might not be around for much longer and that makes me sad. Thats why Im trying to spend as much time with her as possible now.
All these woman are wonderful examples in my life and I hope to become like them one day. I love them all even when they drive me crazy. But thats what family is for.

Thankful Day 6.

Today Im thankful for my religion and the things that I believe in. Yes Im not the best at reading scriptures, praying, going to church, or attending the temple but that doesnt mean I dont believe in them. Im so thankful that Daniel showed me this church for what it really is. I use to hate the LDS church for no reason. But for some reason it just kept showing up in my life. Its always been there. Even when I didnt live in Utah. I never wanted to give it a chance until Daniel came along. I knew Daniel was special and I knew I wanted to be with him. So I figured Ill give this church a chance why not. I remember to this day the first time I decided to read a Book of Mormon. I was staying the night at Daryls (I did that a lot back then) everyone was asleep in the house and I was alone in the basement laying on the couch. I started reading the beginning of it where it talks about the witnesses (Im sure you all know what part of talking about) at the very front before all books. I just remember getting this warm feeling inside and tears streaming down my face. My heart just felt so heavy. At this point in my life I felt like I was close to God but something was missing no matter what I did but at this point I felt like this is what I have been missing in my life. I finished reading the witness statements and started praying asking if this was true, while bawling my eyes out. I knew right away it was. It felt like the Lord was telling me, "finally you see what Ive been trying to show you." After that I decided I was going to join the church not for Daniel but for ME! I knew it was what I was missing and what I needed in my life. Then you all know how the story goes, me and Daniel start dating a month later we get engaged, six months later we get married and a year later we get sealed in the Logan Temple for all time and eternity! Im so thankful for that! Im so happy that he will be mine forever and so will my children. It makes me so happy. I love this church and everything it stands for. I believe everything I am taught. Even though to this day I still havent read the whole Book of Mormon (Im still trying) I know its true and I love reading it. I believe Joseph Smith is a true prophet of God and he saw Jesus and the Father that day in the Scared Grove. I love all the leaders of this church and the things they teach us. Im so thankful for the Lord and the blessing he gives me. Im thankful that he died for me and that he forgives me even though Im not a great person. Im thankful he loves me for who I am and knows that I am trying. I love that the church is in my life and Im happy I get to teach it to my children and I hope they choose to live it and love it like I do. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I couldnt be happier!

Thankful Day 5.

Yep I got it! I caught Caitlynns stomach virus. Man I dont know how she did this. My belly hurt way bad. I couldnt even imagine what it felt like to a one year old and she cant even tell me it hurts. What a brave little girl.
What am I thankful for today? Im thankful for Daryl and Colette. Im thankful for all my family and friends just some of them a little more then others. (there will be more people to come) Daryl and Colette are always there to help us out. I mean they have let us live in their basement for 3 1/2 years. Even though we are pigs and dont clean very well and Im sure that drives them crazy! But they still let us stay here. Colette is amazing. Yes sometimes she drives me crazy but Im sure I drive her crazy too. But hey who in your house doesnt drive you crazy once in awhile? Colette usually makes all the meals. We are getting better at helping or I would like to think so, she is always there to help out and is the best person to have on your side. Like today for example Im not feeling very good and she knows it so she is playing with Caitlynn for a little bit so I dont have to worry about it. The other night when Caitlynn was throwing up. She was downstairs helping us. She pretty wonderful. Daryl is great too. He is always there to help you if you need him. He will always try to put a smile on your face, and he looks at the brighter things in life. I seriously dont think I have ever seen him say a negative thing about another person (well Obama but he doesnt count lol). I love Daryl and Colette with all my heart and Im glad that they are my in laws. I couldnt ask for better ones.

Thankful Day 4.

Hmm lets see today its going to be a hard time thinking about what Im thankful for since Im really tired and not feeling the best. Last night I went and watch movies with Hollie and Kenzie cause Kenzie was getting surgery today and they wanted to hang out before hand. Well I got home like 230 am and got to sleep at like 3 am. Well about 4 am Caitlynn made this weird noise and I asked Daniel to go check on her and what happened? She threw up every where!!!! It was gross and smelled really bad. Then she sat on my lap and puked about every ten minutes. About 6 am she stopped and went to sleep but I didnt go to sleep till 7 am since I was making sure she was ok. She slept with me and Daniel for awhile and then Daniel put her in her bed. She sleep till about 1030 am. And hasnt really slept since then. She hasnt threw up since she got up but she wont really eat and now its coming out the other end if you get what I mean. Im exhausted and worn out. Plus I think Im getting what she has. Its not to great.
Ok since thats out of the way. Hmm what am I thankful for?! Im going to say being a stay at home mom. Even though days like this are hard I couldnt imagine what it would be like if I had to work the next day or something. Im also thankful I can take care of her and dont have to worry about someone else taking care of my sick baby. I love my job even the bad days but I have to admit I like the good days better. I love that I get to see her all the time and teach her and play with her all the time. A stay at home mom is the hardest most rewarding job out there!

Thankful.

Even though Im a grumpy pants most days and I like to complain I also am very thankful for the things in my life. Im one of those people that believe in taking one holiday at a time. It drives me nut there is already Christmas stuff out. What about Thanksgiving? Is no one thankful anymore? Dont get me wrong I love Christmas even though this year Im not very excited for it. But at the same time I need to remember Christmas isnt all about presents its about Christ. Anyways back to what I was saying. Since it is November and its Thanksgiving at the end of the month. Everyday Im going to write something Im thankful for. That way I will see all the great blessings in my life and maybe it will help me not be so grumpy. I know its 3 days into November so today I will do three of them!
1. Daniel. I so thankful for him. He is my everything. I dont know how I would survive without him. He is the best husband and father ever and he works so hard for me and Caitlynn. I love him more and more each day. I dont even have words to describe really how I feel for him. Hes just plain amazing, and its a wonderful blessing that I will be with him for all time and eternity.
2. Caitlynn. Of course Im thankful for her! She is my life. Even though most days she drives me crazy I wouldnt change it for anything. She is the smartest, most beautiful, funny, and happy little girl I have ever met. She does the strangest things but that what I love about her. She is amazing. Im so thankful to be her mom and to watch her grow. I love everything about her. Even her fit throwing which she is doing right now lol.
3. Yesterday in the mail we finally got the paper saying we need to register our car by the end of the month. We have been waiting for this and freaking out about it. To register the car it was $167 plus safety and emissions and to pass those we need new tires so we were freaking out thinking how are we going to pay for all of that! Well when the paper came yesterday its said we didnt have to do safety and emissions this year! Thats great! Yes we still need new tires cause our tread on ours is pretty thin but we dont have to worry and try to get them by the end of the month. We can wait until we can afford them. Which I hope is soon. Im very thankful that for whatever reason we only have to pay the taxes on our car this year. Im pretty sure it was the Lords doing which makes me even more thankful.
Well there is my 3. I will be back tomorrow with more. Remeber count your blessings.

Thoughtful.

I want to blog more I really do but to be honest its just to complain. Seriously complaining is one of the best things Im good at. Want to know what my favorite thing is to complain about?! Other people complaining! Yeah it makes no sense. Im sure I drive Daniel crazy most days but he know how I am and says he loves me no matter what. Which Im thankful for.
Lately everything and almost everyone bugs me! Like seriously irritates me. This even includes myself. I dont know whats wrong with me. Im guessing its the birth control making more moody then I already am and Im a very moody person to start off with. For example a lot of people come to me with their problems. Why? I dont know its always been like this. And usually Im really sensitive and say things like "oh it will be ok." But what am I saying lately? "Thats a stupid reason to be sad." "Suck it up and deal with it." "It your choice to change it." Yeah Im not very nice lately.
Mainly I think its cause lately Ive been thinking about how people arent very accountable for their own choices. Everyone always love to blame someone else for the way they live or something they did. For example Halloween this year. I saw tons of people say "Utah is stupid. Halloween is Sunday not Saturday." "Stupid Mormons ruin everything." Ok for one, Mormons have nothing to do with this! I hate when people blame my religion cause they think its so wrong. Two just cause some people decided to celebrate on Saturday cause that was their choice doesnt mean you have too. I mean there isnt a law saying, No celebrations on Sunday in Utah. Live your own life people and take charge of it and stop blaming other people.
Sorry I just needed to get this stuff out and if I said it on Facebook. I would get attacked and thats not what I want. I just want to say my opinion. I dont care if you agree or not. Thats why its my opinion.
I know I need to stop complaining but like I said its obviously one of my favorite pass times. I think its cause right now this point in time. Life sucks! Plain and simple. I did not think I would ever be where I am now. Where we can hardly pay the bills. We need money for car tires and registration. Christmas is coming up and Im positive its not going to look pretty. Its just stressful you know. People tell me all the time I just need Faith and the Lord will take care of us. But to be honest I dont think I have any. But mostly that is my own fault. I dont pray, read scriptures, go to church or attend the temple like I should. I know I should do these things but I just dont. I know that makes me a horrible person. I feel like cause of the way I act the Lord is not giving me and my family the blessings we need. Is that silly of me? Maybe. I know I need to change the way I am. But for some reason I never do. Its like losing weight. I hate myself but I dont do anything to change it. Like I said before life sucks! But like I heard tons of times before there is always a rainbow after the rain. I sure hope so cause right now its a hurricane.
Once again sorry about this post. Its horrible I know but I needed to get it out. Like my Daily Gem that I get in my email every day said today. "Turn to the Lord. Exercise all of the faith you have in Him. Let Him share your burden. Allow His grace to lighten your load." -Donald L. Hallstrom. It true! Now if only I can do that.