Great Things Are Coming

Man I haven't wrote on here in awhile. Life just get crazy sometimes. I have finished school so now I have an associates degree in photography. Since June of last year I have been working as an assistant at Smiles Portrait Studio, and love it because I am continuing on learning more about photography. The girls are pretty much the same. Caitlynn goes to head start and will start Kindergarten at the end of summer and Kairi will be going to head start. They are growing up to fast. Daniel will also be done with school in June of this year. The biggest thing right now in our lives are we are trying to get a house. We are getting so close and we are hoping everything works out like it has so far. We really need it. We enjoy living with Daniels parents and we are so thankful they have had us here for so long but it is time for us to have our own space and home. I will try to continue to keep up with this blog and not post everything on Facebook. We will see. :)

Positive Mind Set

The pills have helped me but at the same time I feel like I am helping myself. Sure the house is a mess, my school work is still getting turned in late, some days I just want to cry but it changing slowly. Every day I get a little more positive and try to change little things. I know my problem. The problem is me. Yes I have depression.  Yes there is nothing I did to cause that. But that doesn't mean I need to let it drag me down. I can fight it day in and day out. If I want things to change I am going to have to change them. Its not going to happen if I do not do it. Yes its going to be hard yes there is going to be days I stumble but I won't let it drag me down and keep a hold on me. I can do this. How do I know? Because the first time in forever (fyi totally sang that line in my head) I have confidence in myself. I have a positive outlook instead of doubt. I know if I want things to change the first change is going to have to be me.

At It Again

You remeber that girl who was positive and upbeat and so sure things were turning around?! Yeah that girl fell once again.I seriously thought I was getting better. But stuff happens.
I took my pills for about 2 months. I was feeling a little better and my lows were not as low as normal. But I was still sad, upset and unmotivated. 
I took them for two months, than I lost them some how. And one day not taking them turned into two and so on. I was doing good by myself. I was sure I could beat it. If only I could be motivated to do anything. 
Last week I went to the doctor because of my sinuses.  I decided I should talk to someone. So I told the doctor what was going on. Thats when he uped my dose.
I am hoping it can help me as much as possible but I realize something.  I need to push myself. The pills are not going to work if I don't let them.
I have a good life. I have a great family. I have roof over my head and food. I am luckier than most. Now I need to realize that.
I need to be better. Not for me but for my husband and children. I need to fight.  I can't give in to the darkness.
Yes my life is not where I want it to be. Yes things just keep knocking us down but I need to get up and brush off my knees and keep going.
I can't sit here day after day waiting for something to happen. I need to make it happen!
I don't have faith in anything really. Not in myself. Not in the Lord. Not in the knowledge of things will get better. Thats needs to change. But its not something thats going to happen overnight and its not something thats going to happen magically without me doing anything.
I have my faults I need to realize that. I stumble and fall and when I do its pretty bad.  But that doesn't make me a bad person or a failure.
I only fail when I don't get back up.

Side Effects

All medication have side effects. I wish it was something like being awesome. This medication makes you have no appetite.  For an over weight woman like me that can be a good thing because it definitely helps you lose weight.  Bad thing is I don't eat enough.  I try and eat but I only eat a little here and there and it doesn't add up to much. So by the end of the day I feel sick from not consuming enough calories that my body should have. Which is sad because it should be like 1600 calories and thats not a lot. I guess its time to start tracking what I eat so I can see what my calories are. Any other ideas?

Crazy Pill Fund

So I don't have insurance and haven't for awhile.  Well I have like 4 pills left and they help a lot. I can now admit to this truth but with no insurance and a husband working only part time (not by choice) its pretty expensive. I wonder if I can start "Aftons Crazy Pill Fund" lol just kidding. I am sure we will figure it out. I just wanted to get my frustrations out.

Maybe There Is Something To This........

So I have been taking my pills for a little over a week. And I am actually starting to feel better. I still have my moments but I am actually starting to be able to force myself to do things. I also do not feel like I am in a super deep dark hole and I handle situations better. I am still sad and stressed but of course I am. My husband is only working part time, we can barely pay our bills, and Christmas is coming with no ideas on how to get presents for my children.  Its sad and stressful.  I am hoping things change for us soon though and trying to stay positive.

Dear Depression

You need to leave me alone already.  Everyday you're screaming at me and telling me how terrible I am. You make me replay every mistake I've ever made and you humiliate me on a daily basis. You're made it impossible to be happy or have any connection with friends and family.  I am SO sick of you controlling me. The sooner you leave the better off I will be. Don't come back either. I never want you to be apart of my life again. I hate you and I hate myself for ever letting you in my head.
Sincerely,
Me

I did not write this. I found it but it is exactly how I feel so I wantes to share it.

Another Sleepness Night.

I so have problems sleeping.  I thought I got it under control for awhile.  Well kind of.  I usually get like 5 hours of sleep a night. Well its 6 am and no sleep I just can't sleep. Not sure what the problem is. It might be Caitlynn is sick and been up puking all night and though Daniel told me he would stay with her I couldn't sleep. Sorry I have turned this blog into whine fest.

Baby Steps

Today I am doing a little better than I was yesterday. I don't feel so empty today. I think I might actually start taking my pills but I don't know. The reason I want to is to be honest I want another baby. But at this weight I shouldn't have one or I would have tons of complications.  And I can't seem to motivate myself to do it. I can't motivate myself to do anything.  So my theory is when I did take my pills I did exercise and I was doing what I needed too. The only problem is when I do lose weight and get pregnant I can't take the pills. Am I going to fall even deeper than I am now?! I am not sure. I am not sure what to do. I am sure I could ask the Lord but to be honest my faith isn't the strongest right now. Heres to hoping I can figure it all out.
I also want to apologize for all the whining I do. But it does help to get this all out and not hold it in all the time.

Lucky Woman

Like I mentioned before I have my bad days and my good. Though it may seem I have more bad than good right now. Especially since times are hard. Even though I am stressed to the max and have no motivation to do anything. I am glad I have such a such a wonderful husband that puts up with me. Who doesn't get mad when I don't do things. Who does everything, goes to work, and comes home and takes care of us. Who doesn't get mad at my crazy moods. Who doesn't get upset when I might go a little crazy and yell or cry for no reason. He takes such good care of me and my girls and I am happy about that. I seriously do not see how he puts up with me the way he does ans still loves me unconditionally but I am glad he does.

Is It Just Me?

I feel like I need to talk about something that I have always been to scared to talk about. That thing is depression. I just do not know how to fight it. I feel like I am always so alone when I know that is not the case. I got it bad, and have for awhile.
Why do I not talk about it? I hate feeling weak. I hate for people to know I am like this. I don't want people to know I struggle, but I do. People look at me I am sure and think, "Why does that woman never do anything?" Yes I do not clean, yes my school work is always behind, yes I usually do nothing all day long except take care of my children until Daniel can. The reason for that is my depression.
It just seems like it gets worse and worse and I am not sure what to do. I have a good life. I have a family that loves me. Though I might not be where I hoped I would be I have a home and food on the table. I have people that are there for me. I know I have it better than most but that doesn't make things better. I consistently feel like I am in hole with no way to get out of it.
I have medication but I hate it. I don't want to take something for me to be happy. I get told its a medical thing. Daniel tells me "If you had cancer would you get chemo?" But I don't want to take it. I don't want to rely on something to help me get through the day. I want to do it myself. But at the same time I do not know how.
 I am rambling but I am trying to make people understand why I am the way I am. Why it might seem like not just me but anyone might have things together but they don't. When it might seem that person is just being lazy but in reality they are fighting bigger demons.
 Its scaring me to write this and share this because I do not want people to think I am doing it for attention or anything like that. I am doing it because I need to write it down. I need to get it out there. I need people to realize that metal illness is not something that is easy to deal with or something that you can just make go away. Want to know the phrase I hate the most? "If you want to be happy than choose to be happy." I wish it was that simple.

Missed Me??

I have not wrote on this thing in forever. I always think about it but than it doesn't happen. You know the last post I was ranting about never finding time to do things? Yeah still in the same boat. To bad I have't figured out time management yet?! Maybe one day I will. Maybe I will write on her more often. We will see....I was just wondering who still even reads this lol.

A Little Slow....

Okay as you can tell I have not been keeping up my blog very well. I really have not been able to handle time very well. I always turn in school assignments late, things are always messy it seems like, I even have video games I was so excited to play and still have not played them. Okay end of rant. I will try better to keep up because it really is nice to look back and see the things the girls did that I forgot about (have I mentioned I also have a bad memory).
The girls are growing so fast and I love them for each day. Though Caitlynn is acting up more and more. I am not sure if its the fact that Kairi needs more attention now and she feels like she is not getting enough or if its just the age. Today she lied about everything, she is potty trained but wouldn't go today, she would not listen to anyone and was just full of attitude. Even at one point she said, "I don't like Kairi." I think it might be the girls have been sick and shes just recovering. All I know is I hope she behaves a lot better tomorrow.
Daniel lost his job a few days ago but already has an interview for another. Life is hard right now but I know if we draw closer to the Lord we will be okay. I have been really sick the last few days so I am glad that Daniel has been here to help me. Okay he has done everything but I am grateful I have a man that will do that.
Okay I guess I better go edit images now. I did a wedding and it had 4 different events I took images for and I have over 2000 images to edit! I just hope they like all of them when it is all over.
Once again I will try to stayed updated on this blog but I am not making any promises.

Shut Up!

Kairi woke up this morning laughing. She's always so happy.

This morning while we were listening to music on my phone, an advertisement came on and the whole time it was on Caitlynn was yelling shut up. I really shouldn't find it funny but I do.

Kairi slept in her crib for the first time. Caitlynn is excited her sister is going to sleep in her room. I guess its there room now.

Caitlynn took her playing camera stood in front of Kairi and said " say cheese baby" I thought it was super cute.

Kairi decided she didn't want to go to bed and so we just laid her in her crib because sometimes she will just pass out that way. Well tonight she decided to make tons of noise. So I worried with this being her first night in there it would keep Caitlynn up. Daniel went in and got Kairi and what was Caitlynn doing? She had her head covered up. Man she learns fast. 

Thats about all I can remember that happened today! Out lives are not all that exciting!

It's an Afton Thing!

So in true Afton fashion I don't last long at doing things I say I will. I just get lazy and the girls haven't been doing anything to exciting though they are still super cute and silly. I will keep trying to write things about them though. To hold you over till tomorrow when I will actually write a post here is something Caitlynn told me today:
Me: I love you!
Caitlynn: I love bird (she was playing angry birds)

On to Phase 2!

If I ask Caitlynn if she loves mama she always says, "yeah and dada." Then I reply "oh you love dada too" she says, "yeah and baby." Well today I asked who else she loved and expected her to say grandma or someone. What was her reply? "I love my kitty cat." (talking about Dexter)

Caitlynn wanted a hat. So I told her if she wanted one she had to find one. Next thing I know she had one of my bras on her head.

Every time Caitlynn watches The Backyardigans she tells Pablo goodbye (I guess the others do not matter) Well today as she was going that she turned to me and said, "Mama Pablo has to go eat a snackkkkk." She has a problem with ks. She cracks me up.

Kairi was actually good today. I was surprised since she has never behaved well after shots. She was her normal happy self and I love it!

Caitlynn on the other hand was not that great today, especially  towards bedtime. Colette brought her home lots of bead necklaces from a Scouts thing well Kairi had one of the necklaces and Caitlynn did not like that. I told her she could share one of them or I would take all of them away. Well she didnt want to share so it seriously took me like two minutes to wrestle the bead necklaces from her (the whole time while she was screaming). Then it took me and Daniel to brush her hair because she was fighting so bad. Then she grabbed on to the door on the way into her room and Daniel was pulling at her feet trying to get her to let go. I seriously just laughed because I didn't know that happened in real life. Goodness gracious! Like our friend Skylar put it, "Terrible twos are just phase 1." I am not ready for phase 2! Please pray for my sanity and patience in the next year!

Not much has happened today. I have to go talk to a member of the Bishopric tomorrow. Why? I am not sure. I guess I will find out tomorrow!

Wow today was pretty uneventful but I think the last part made up for that. Now to go finish my last assignment in Art History and then I get a 4 day break from school! Oh yeah I am excited!!

Love My Girls!

 This morning when I got Caitlynn out of her room she got in trouble because she has a special book off the book case and it was torn (I am not sure she did that though). Well I got a little angrier then I should I do this sometimes. So I was telling her I was sorry and that she needs to not play with things that are not hers and for some reason I said, "Do you still love the mama?" Okay I know why I said that I feel like she is going to hate me because I am so mean or I am going to ruin her or something. Well after I said that she jumped into my arms for a hug, and gave me a giant kiss! It melted my heart! She is a sweety!

Caitlynn it's starting to actually color. She has always colored but now she's starting to not just scribble.  Shes trying to stay in the lines though she hasnt mastered it yet. It makes me happy and sad all at the same time because it shows how much shes really is growing up.



While I was playing a Mario game because I couldn't do much else because Kairi has been kind of grumpy and just wants to be held. Caitlynn was watching me and every time I did something good or Mario would make noise she would clap.

Caitlynn is an awesome helper. If I ask her to go get something most of the time she will go get it for me. Today is played with Kairi while I got ready. She is a trouble maker sometimes but she is a pretty good kid.

Kairi went and got shots today. Yeah I wasn't happy about that. Why? Well Kairi does not handle them very well and its grumpy for days after. Well she was already grumpy so how is she going to be now? I have no idea but I am kind of scared.

Kairi is now: 19.6 lbs (21%)
                    26 1/2 inches (75%)
She is growing so much! She defiantly going to be bigger then her shorty of a sister and most likely me as well when she gets older.

Kairi hates shots and screams and screams. When Caitlynn got them at this age she would scream with the first poke and then was fine, but we do say that Kairi is the softy. Well today we had to take Caitlynn with us to the doctors because we didn't have a sitter and the appointment was at 3 and Daniel gets off at 2:30 so we had to hustle. Well not only did Kairi scream so did Caitlynn because her baby sister was crying. I love that Caitlynn is so protective of her. I hope it stays that way.

Why do kids fight naps? I cannot figure that out. I would love to take a nap! Well Caitlynn hasn't taken a nap  during the day for awhile but she was crying a lot and being whiny plus rubbing her eyes so we decided she needed one today. Yeah biggest fit ever! How big? She bit her dad and almost drew blood. She never does that! If someone says 2 year olds are hard obviously has not had a 3 year old!

Caitlynn woke up from her nap crying so I opened her door and she sat in there for about 5 minutes till I asked if she was going to come out. Then she came out cuddled next to me and then fell asleep again. She is so cute! No matter how much she is a brat sometimes I love her. I especially love when she is sleeping because she is so peaceful and cute. I just want to hug her and hold her when she is asleep. I still have a hard time thinking I am a mom,even though I have been for 3 years almost. I love it though!

I am not sure what else they did because I went to a baseball game with Kristina because it was the last one and I really wanted to go to a game. FYI I have an amazing husband to let me go! Anyways Daniel did tell me Caitlynn at dinner kept trying to dip her bread stick in icing. She is so silly! I wonder the crazy things they will do tomorrow. 

3 in one day!

I posted 3 posts in one day! Thats impressive for me. I just figured I would start off my great idea today. I didn't write stuff down but I will try by best to remember all that they did.
Caitlynn this morning gave her favorite stuffed cat to Kairi. That showed me right there how much Caitlynn really loves Kairi. She won't even let me touch that stuffed cat.
Caitlynn is starting to dance a long with the kids shows she watch its great fun to watch.
I was pretty sure Hell froze over today because Caitlynn actually ate dinner.
Kairi totally freaked out when Daniel was holding her and he was playing the 3DS. She thought that was the coolest and funniest thing ever!
Every time Caitlynn hears a dog bark she yells, "SHUT UP DOG!" I know I probably shouldn't let her say that but it cracks me up.
I took pictures of Kairi today and I was trying to bribe Caitlynn to let me take her picture and no matter what I asked if she wanted something she told me no. She even said no to ice cream (which never happens) Then as we were going to go inside she told me, "I go chesse!" She kind of let me take her pictures and then when we got done she yelled, "YAY pie!" (one of the bribes)
As Caitlynn was going to bed she wanted a certain baby so Daniel told her to come out and look for it and she came out and said, "hmmm." While she had her finger on her chin. Shes a goof!
I think that is all that happened today that was worth mentioning. Oh and I have the most beautiful girls on the whole planet! :)

Finally!!

I finally got my blog looking some what nice! What do you think? I like it! :)

Light Bulb!

I have really wanted to write more on this blog but truth to be told I have been having a hard time knowing what to write about because our lives are not that exciting. It would be like "So we sat at home again, I did school work played with the girls and then tried to clean." Seriously that is how my average day goes lol. But then it hit me this morning when I wanted to update my Facebook status a million times because my girls are so cute, funny and just wonderful, I realized I need to share these things with people some how so they could share my joy, laughter and my OMG moments. Thats when I decided I could write it on my blog! I could use my fancy smart phone and write down when they do something I think is great/bad enough to share and then at the end of the day I could come write it down on here! What do you guys think? I think its going to be great and then maybe at the end of each year I can make a book or something that way we will always remember what they did when they were little because they are growing so fast! I mean Kairi is 6 month old and Caitlynn is almost 3. I don't think that I will change the name of my blog or anything but its going to be mostly about Caitlynn and Kairi and maybe me and Daniel if we do something exciting (which doesn't happen often). I can't wait to share the things my daughters do with all of you because they are pretty amazing even if they drive me crazy. :D