I feel like I need to talk about something that I have always been to scared to talk about. That thing is depression. I just do not know how to fight it. I feel like I am always so alone when I know that is not the case. I got it bad, and have for awhile.
Why do I not talk about it? I hate feeling weak. I hate for people to know I am like this. I don't want people to know I struggle, but I do. People look at me I am sure and think, "Why does that woman never do anything?" Yes I do not clean, yes my school work is always behind, yes I usually do nothing all day long except take care of my children until Daniel can. The reason for that is my depression.
It just seems like it gets worse and worse and I am not sure what to do. I have a good life. I have a family that loves me. Though I might not be where I hoped I would be I have a home and food on the table. I have people that are there for me. I know I have it better than most but that doesn't make things better. I consistently feel like I am in hole with no way to get out of it.
I have medication but I hate it. I don't want to take something for me to be happy. I get told its a medical thing. Daniel tells me "If you had cancer would you get chemo?" But I don't want to take it. I don't want to rely on something to help me get through the day. I want to do it myself. But at the same time I do not know how.
I am rambling but I am trying to make people understand why I am the way I am. Why it might seem like not just me but anyone might have things together but they don't. When it might seem that person is just being lazy but in reality they are fighting bigger demons.
Its scaring me to write this and share this because I do not want people to think I am doing it for attention or anything like that. I am doing it because I need to write it down. I need to get it out there. I need people to realize that metal illness is not something that is easy to deal with or something that you can just make go away. Want to know the phrase I hate the most? "If you want to be happy than choose to be happy." I wish it was that simple.
1 comment:
Oh girlfriend I hear ya! Depression is all too real and it's everywhere! Trust me, you are not alone. Just remember to do what you think is right, and what is ultimately right for your family in treating it. :)
Post a Comment