Side Effects

All medication have side effects. I wish it was something like being awesome. This medication makes you have no appetite.  For an over weight woman like me that can be a good thing because it definitely helps you lose weight.  Bad thing is I don't eat enough.  I try and eat but I only eat a little here and there and it doesn't add up to much. So by the end of the day I feel sick from not consuming enough calories that my body should have. Which is sad because it should be like 1600 calories and thats not a lot. I guess its time to start tracking what I eat so I can see what my calories are. Any other ideas?

Crazy Pill Fund

So I don't have insurance and haven't for awhile.  Well I have like 4 pills left and they help a lot. I can now admit to this truth but with no insurance and a husband working only part time (not by choice) its pretty expensive. I wonder if I can start "Aftons Crazy Pill Fund" lol just kidding. I am sure we will figure it out. I just wanted to get my frustrations out.

Maybe There Is Something To This........

So I have been taking my pills for a little over a week. And I am actually starting to feel better. I still have my moments but I am actually starting to be able to force myself to do things. I also do not feel like I am in a super deep dark hole and I handle situations better. I am still sad and stressed but of course I am. My husband is only working part time, we can barely pay our bills, and Christmas is coming with no ideas on how to get presents for my children.  Its sad and stressful.  I am hoping things change for us soon though and trying to stay positive.

Dear Depression

You need to leave me alone already.  Everyday you're screaming at me and telling me how terrible I am. You make me replay every mistake I've ever made and you humiliate me on a daily basis. You're made it impossible to be happy or have any connection with friends and family.  I am SO sick of you controlling me. The sooner you leave the better off I will be. Don't come back either. I never want you to be apart of my life again. I hate you and I hate myself for ever letting you in my head.
Sincerely,
Me

I did not write this. I found it but it is exactly how I feel so I wantes to share it.

Another Sleepness Night.

I so have problems sleeping.  I thought I got it under control for awhile.  Well kind of.  I usually get like 5 hours of sleep a night. Well its 6 am and no sleep I just can't sleep. Not sure what the problem is. It might be Caitlynn is sick and been up puking all night and though Daniel told me he would stay with her I couldn't sleep. Sorry I have turned this blog into whine fest.

Baby Steps

Today I am doing a little better than I was yesterday. I don't feel so empty today. I think I might actually start taking my pills but I don't know. The reason I want to is to be honest I want another baby. But at this weight I shouldn't have one or I would have tons of complications.  And I can't seem to motivate myself to do it. I can't motivate myself to do anything.  So my theory is when I did take my pills I did exercise and I was doing what I needed too. The only problem is when I do lose weight and get pregnant I can't take the pills. Am I going to fall even deeper than I am now?! I am not sure. I am not sure what to do. I am sure I could ask the Lord but to be honest my faith isn't the strongest right now. Heres to hoping I can figure it all out.
I also want to apologize for all the whining I do. But it does help to get this all out and not hold it in all the time.

Lucky Woman

Like I mentioned before I have my bad days and my good. Though it may seem I have more bad than good right now. Especially since times are hard. Even though I am stressed to the max and have no motivation to do anything. I am glad I have such a such a wonderful husband that puts up with me. Who doesn't get mad when I don't do things. Who does everything, goes to work, and comes home and takes care of us. Who doesn't get mad at my crazy moods. Who doesn't get upset when I might go a little crazy and yell or cry for no reason. He takes such good care of me and my girls and I am happy about that. I seriously do not see how he puts up with me the way he does ans still loves me unconditionally but I am glad he does.

Is It Just Me?

I feel like I need to talk about something that I have always been to scared to talk about. That thing is depression. I just do not know how to fight it. I feel like I am always so alone when I know that is not the case. I got it bad, and have for awhile.
Why do I not talk about it? I hate feeling weak. I hate for people to know I am like this. I don't want people to know I struggle, but I do. People look at me I am sure and think, "Why does that woman never do anything?" Yes I do not clean, yes my school work is always behind, yes I usually do nothing all day long except take care of my children until Daniel can. The reason for that is my depression.
It just seems like it gets worse and worse and I am not sure what to do. I have a good life. I have a family that loves me. Though I might not be where I hoped I would be I have a home and food on the table. I have people that are there for me. I know I have it better than most but that doesn't make things better. I consistently feel like I am in hole with no way to get out of it.
I have medication but I hate it. I don't want to take something for me to be happy. I get told its a medical thing. Daniel tells me "If you had cancer would you get chemo?" But I don't want to take it. I don't want to rely on something to help me get through the day. I want to do it myself. But at the same time I do not know how.
 I am rambling but I am trying to make people understand why I am the way I am. Why it might seem like not just me but anyone might have things together but they don't. When it might seem that person is just being lazy but in reality they are fighting bigger demons.
 Its scaring me to write this and share this because I do not want people to think I am doing it for attention or anything like that. I am doing it because I need to write it down. I need to get it out there. I need people to realize that metal illness is not something that is easy to deal with or something that you can just make go away. Want to know the phrase I hate the most? "If you want to be happy than choose to be happy." I wish it was that simple.