Hospital Visit #3

This is the 3rd time I went to the hospital for this pregnancy. Which I guess isn't do bad since with Caitlynn it was a lot more but they were all at the end so that might change. I went because I was in tons of pain and seriously nothing I did helped it. I didn't want to go but I got a blessing that said it would be best that I did. Well I got there and they did the normal hook me up to monitors to see if I was having contractions and keep an eye on Kairi. Well they wanted to do a lab because they thought I had a bladder infection. Laid there a good hour and half. I was having some pretty good contractions show up. The nurse comes back in and says nothing is wrong to go home and deal with it. I asked about the contractions and she said they aren't regular so they don't matter. Which by the way I hate because guess what they hurt! They matter! I asked her to make sure I wasn't dilated because I thought maybe I was because with Caitlynn I was 3 cm by 35 weeks. Granted that a like 2 weeks a way I just wanted to make sure. Well nope nothing! I guess thats a good thing but at the same time I was hoping it was maybe at least a 1 cm just so that the pain made sense. That way I don't feel like a complete whiner! But nope its thick closed and long. Which is great for baby because she needs a little more time. Not so great for the momma! They said if its worse by Monday to go get checked out at my clinic. It was a long exhausting day with no answers. I hate that! Its like getting kicked when your already down! I pray for the strength to get through this! Because sometimes its just so hard!

Life.

No matter how hard you to try to stay positive life still brings everyone down. I don't get why it has to be hard. I tell people all the time its alright just think positive everything will work out fine. Then don't do the same for myself. I guess I am just having a hard time. We have lived in this basement for about 5 1/2 years. That's terrible! No matter how hard we try to get out it doesn't work. It seems like we are just getting farther and farther away from our goal. Daniel applies for jobs all the time. He has been for the last two years. Yes hes almost been at Wal Mart for 2 years, but nothing! I don't know why. I am tired of going in the hole every paycheck no matter what we do. Plus we are going to add one more to the bunch. How are we going to handle it? I am just really stressing out. He lost hours at work only works 37 hours a week or less. It's just so hard to stay positive when everything goes the other way. I really think a few month after Kairi is born I will have to start looking for a job. Want to know how much that hurts me? Not because I am lazy and don't want to work but because I want to be able to be here for my daughters all the time. This point in time though I don't know if I will be able too because I also need to help financially. I just am not sure what we are doing wrong. Why can't things just turn around for once? Why does life have to be hard and suck? Is there any light at the end of this dark tunnel? I sure hope so.

Yer A Wizard Harry!

Ok I have quite a new obession lately. What is that you ask? Well its Harry Potter.

Why? I am not sure. We got all the Harry Potter movies on Blu-Ray and then decided to watch them all. Granted we didn't watch them back to back or anything because that would be about 19 hours straight of movies!! But we did watch 2 movies once or twice a week till we finished them. This took so long because we invited our friends and unlike us they have actually lives lol. Anyways we were almost done with the movies when I decided to read the books again. I have read them all before but its been such a long time!!! Now I am just a little crazy with the whole thing. I have to admit I love it! I am not sure why and I am not sure why now its coming out of me. I think I have always enjoyed Harry Potter films and books I just didn't admit the whole enjoyness because I didn't want people to think I was a weirdo. But I think now I don't care what people think, so I can let my Harry Potter nerd self out. I seriously really want to buy a cape! I think that would be so cool! And Daniel was joking about buying me a wand and to be honest I think that would be actually pretty awesome. I just thought I would let you know I am now crazy! If you didn't know this before. I guess I should of let myself become this way a long time ago and not when the whole thing is basically over. Oh well! It's just all so magical (he he see what I did there ;D)

Callings.

Sometimes I fee like I am just not suppose to have callings. The first one I ever had I was suppose to go to the Relief Society gatherings and watch the kids. Yeah I never did it. That was my bad and I feel bad I didn't do it. My 2nd I was in the library and I did pretty good at it but got pregnant with Caitlynn and had to ask to be released because of how sick I got. This time I am in the nursery have been for about a year. I was doing a great job at it but now not so much. I just hurt and its really hard to deal with tons of children when you hurt that much. Today I made it through most of sacrament but had to leave because contractions were getting bad. Still are quite bad, its probably why I am blogging to help keep my mind off of it lol. Anyways I just feel like I am letting so many people down because I am not in there. The recently put someone new in the nursery with me and I have been there once in the last month to help her. I am pretty sure she hates me. I just wish I could do what I am suppose to. I feel like I let the Lord down because I do not do the things I am suppose too. I don't know what I am trying to say. I just wish I could do more I guess.

Photography.

Man I miss taking pictures! It seems like I never get out of the house. I just want to take pictures!!! Not sure why. But since I decided not to have a business right now until my skills approve its kind of hard to take pictures of anyone. For one no one wants to volunteer and for another I have a child that beautiful but hates me taking her picture lol. I just keep looking at great ways I am going to take pictures of Kairi. I am so excited to get to take a newborns pictures. I have been wanting to try for some time but haven't been able too. I heard its tricky and would like to at least try. Not sure if any of this makes sense. Maybe I will get brave enough and go for a walk or something. That is if the wind dies down.