Positive Mind Set

The pills have helped me but at the same time I feel like I am helping myself. Sure the house is a mess, my school work is still getting turned in late, some days I just want to cry but it changing slowly. Every day I get a little more positive and try to change little things. I know my problem. The problem is me. Yes I have depression.  Yes there is nothing I did to cause that. But that doesn't mean I need to let it drag me down. I can fight it day in and day out. If I want things to change I am going to have to change them. Its not going to happen if I do not do it. Yes its going to be hard yes there is going to be days I stumble but I won't let it drag me down and keep a hold on me. I can do this. How do I know? Because the first time in forever (fyi totally sang that line in my head) I have confidence in myself. I have a positive outlook instead of doubt. I know if I want things to change the first change is going to have to be me.

At It Again

You remeber that girl who was positive and upbeat and so sure things were turning around?! Yeah that girl fell once again.I seriously thought I was getting better. But stuff happens.
I took my pills for about 2 months. I was feeling a little better and my lows were not as low as normal. But I was still sad, upset and unmotivated. 
I took them for two months, than I lost them some how. And one day not taking them turned into two and so on. I was doing good by myself. I was sure I could beat it. If only I could be motivated to do anything. 
Last week I went to the doctor because of my sinuses.  I decided I should talk to someone. So I told the doctor what was going on. Thats when he uped my dose.
I am hoping it can help me as much as possible but I realize something.  I need to push myself. The pills are not going to work if I don't let them.
I have a good life. I have a great family. I have roof over my head and food. I am luckier than most. Now I need to realize that.
I need to be better. Not for me but for my husband and children. I need to fight.  I can't give in to the darkness.
Yes my life is not where I want it to be. Yes things just keep knocking us down but I need to get up and brush off my knees and keep going.
I can't sit here day after day waiting for something to happen. I need to make it happen!
I don't have faith in anything really. Not in myself. Not in the Lord. Not in the knowledge of things will get better. Thats needs to change. But its not something thats going to happen overnight and its not something thats going to happen magically without me doing anything.
I have my faults I need to realize that. I stumble and fall and when I do its pretty bad.  But that doesn't make me a bad person or a failure.
I only fail when I don't get back up.