Great Things Are Coming

Man I haven't wrote on here in awhile. Life just get crazy sometimes. I have finished school so now I have an associates degree in photography. Since June of last year I have been working as an assistant at Smiles Portrait Studio, and love it because I am continuing on learning more about photography. The girls are pretty much the same. Caitlynn goes to head start and will start Kindergarten at the end of summer and Kairi will be going to head start. They are growing up to fast. Daniel will also be done with school in June of this year. The biggest thing right now in our lives are we are trying to get a house. We are getting so close and we are hoping everything works out like it has so far. We really need it. We enjoy living with Daniels parents and we are so thankful they have had us here for so long but it is time for us to have our own space and home. I will try to continue to keep up with this blog and not post everything on Facebook. We will see. :)

Positive Mind Set

The pills have helped me but at the same time I feel like I am helping myself. Sure the house is a mess, my school work is still getting turned in late, some days I just want to cry but it changing slowly. Every day I get a little more positive and try to change little things. I know my problem. The problem is me. Yes I have depression.  Yes there is nothing I did to cause that. But that doesn't mean I need to let it drag me down. I can fight it day in and day out. If I want things to change I am going to have to change them. Its not going to happen if I do not do it. Yes its going to be hard yes there is going to be days I stumble but I won't let it drag me down and keep a hold on me. I can do this. How do I know? Because the first time in forever (fyi totally sang that line in my head) I have confidence in myself. I have a positive outlook instead of doubt. I know if I want things to change the first change is going to have to be me.

At It Again

You remeber that girl who was positive and upbeat and so sure things were turning around?! Yeah that girl fell once again.I seriously thought I was getting better. But stuff happens.
I took my pills for about 2 months. I was feeling a little better and my lows were not as low as normal. But I was still sad, upset and unmotivated. 
I took them for two months, than I lost them some how. And one day not taking them turned into two and so on. I was doing good by myself. I was sure I could beat it. If only I could be motivated to do anything. 
Last week I went to the doctor because of my sinuses.  I decided I should talk to someone. So I told the doctor what was going on. Thats when he uped my dose.
I am hoping it can help me as much as possible but I realize something.  I need to push myself. The pills are not going to work if I don't let them.
I have a good life. I have a great family. I have roof over my head and food. I am luckier than most. Now I need to realize that.
I need to be better. Not for me but for my husband and children. I need to fight.  I can't give in to the darkness.
Yes my life is not where I want it to be. Yes things just keep knocking us down but I need to get up and brush off my knees and keep going.
I can't sit here day after day waiting for something to happen. I need to make it happen!
I don't have faith in anything really. Not in myself. Not in the Lord. Not in the knowledge of things will get better. Thats needs to change. But its not something thats going to happen overnight and its not something thats going to happen magically without me doing anything.
I have my faults I need to realize that. I stumble and fall and when I do its pretty bad.  But that doesn't make me a bad person or a failure.
I only fail when I don't get back up.

Side Effects

All medication have side effects. I wish it was something like being awesome. This medication makes you have no appetite.  For an over weight woman like me that can be a good thing because it definitely helps you lose weight.  Bad thing is I don't eat enough.  I try and eat but I only eat a little here and there and it doesn't add up to much. So by the end of the day I feel sick from not consuming enough calories that my body should have. Which is sad because it should be like 1600 calories and thats not a lot. I guess its time to start tracking what I eat so I can see what my calories are. Any other ideas?

Crazy Pill Fund

So I don't have insurance and haven't for awhile.  Well I have like 4 pills left and they help a lot. I can now admit to this truth but with no insurance and a husband working only part time (not by choice) its pretty expensive. I wonder if I can start "Aftons Crazy Pill Fund" lol just kidding. I am sure we will figure it out. I just wanted to get my frustrations out.

Maybe There Is Something To This........

So I have been taking my pills for a little over a week. And I am actually starting to feel better. I still have my moments but I am actually starting to be able to force myself to do things. I also do not feel like I am in a super deep dark hole and I handle situations better. I am still sad and stressed but of course I am. My husband is only working part time, we can barely pay our bills, and Christmas is coming with no ideas on how to get presents for my children.  Its sad and stressful.  I am hoping things change for us soon though and trying to stay positive.

Dear Depression

You need to leave me alone already.  Everyday you're screaming at me and telling me how terrible I am. You make me replay every mistake I've ever made and you humiliate me on a daily basis. You're made it impossible to be happy or have any connection with friends and family.  I am SO sick of you controlling me. The sooner you leave the better off I will be. Don't come back either. I never want you to be apart of my life again. I hate you and I hate myself for ever letting you in my head.
Sincerely,
Me

I did not write this. I found it but it is exactly how I feel so I wantes to share it.